Lies

Since lying, and its many forms, has lately become a national topic of conversation, I think this would be a good time to write down my take on the practice. So what is lying? For the rigid and strict, any deviation at all from the exact truth is a lie. Truth becomes so elusive as to be non-existent. Everything is a lie, differing only by intensity. Being a storyteller, I reject this persnickety view. My stories are, for the most part, true renditions of what happened, but I will admit to a bit of embroidery here and there just to smooth the flow. Our old Labrador, Lady, didn’t vent great clouds of malodorous gas all the time, only at a few inopportune moments. But which makes for a better story?

I learned to lie at an early age. At first, I wasn’t very good at it.

“Timmy, did you draw on the wall with a crayon?”

“No. I didn’t do it.”

“This is your coloring book and your crayons right next to the drawing on the wall.”

“Uh… Lewie did it.”

Needless to say, I got the swat on the butt, not Lewis. But every now and then, I’d get away with something. I’d swipe unauthorized Oreos out of Mom’s secret cookie stash or get the teacher to believe that I actually did lose my homework. And I was kind of shocked when there were no repercussions. I began to play with the beginning lessons of a life of crime – create an alibi, don’t leave clues, only take a little and it might not be noticed. If Mom was saving a big chunk of chocolate cake, don’t just hack off a piece, but neatly cut a small, horizontal portion out of the middle, then heal the wound with icing. It gives the “I didn’t take any. See, it looks just the same” deception some credibility.

I think the main reason I didn’t develop into a sneak thief and out-of-control liar was that I was pretty happy with what I had. I didn’t envy kids that had more than me and I didn’t look down on kids who had less. I did have a fear of physical violence and dreaded the day when some tough kid would “beat me up.” But I quickly found that it was easier to tell jokes and funny stories to turn around a bad situation than it was to BS my way out.

I got my first real lesson in the Power of the Lie when I was in high school. I was taking a Speech class and our teacher, Mrs. Mabe, was teaching us Debate. Teams of two students would take turns arguing for or against the National High School Debate Topic. In 1963 it was “Resolved: That the United States should promote a Common Market for the Western Hemisphere.” One team was Pro – meaning they were in favor of the proposal, and the other team was Con – they were against it. Not only did you have to construct valid arguments for your side, but support those arguments with quotes from experts. You were expected to root around in the bowels of the library to find these quotes, write them down neatly on 3 X 5 cards, and file them in a little box for easy access.

My Debate partner was a good friend named Steve. We were assigned the Pro side of the question and were given a week to prepare. One session in the library one afternoon showed us the futility of our efforts. Virtually no one – either expert or crackpot – believed at the time that a Western Hemisphere common market was a good idea. That weekend we drove down to Colorado along with some friends to drink 3.2 beer at the State Line Tavern. Under the gaze of a moth-eaten moose hanging on the wall, we formulated a desperate plan. We would lie! We scrounged up a pencil and paper and created four fictitious bureaucrats – two Americans, a Mexican, and a Brazilian – who were very much in favor of a common market for the Western Hemisphere.

In the ensuing debate, the two girls assigned the Con side put up a valiant fight, but we mopped the floor with them. How do you rebut the considered opinion of the Brazilian Minister of Foreign Trade? We were given A’s. But I couldn’t bring myself to feel good about the grade. I had lied and cheated and was getting thumped on the back for it. It was an oddly unpleasant feeling that I didn’t feel like ever repeating. I know there are some people in the world that get an extra thrill when they win this way. I am thankful that they are few.

My next close encounter with contrivance and fabrication came a few months later. A new kid had shown up at Laramie High School. We had a couple of classes together and fell into an easy friendship. His name was Jack and he was from somewhere on the East Coast. I liked him because he was smart, he had an easy laugh, and he was interested in a lot of the same things I was – girls, silly jokes, and the Beatles. As well as all that, he had, in his eighteen years, done some pretty amazing things. He had spent more than a month hitchhiking around Europe. On this trip, he’d lost his virginity to a thirty-five-year-old Italian woman in Rome. Back in the US, he had learned to sail his own little sailboat around the Chesapeake Bay. And he said he had an Uncle who lived near Toronto and trained racehorses. When the Wyoming winter had finally turned to spring and Graduation was nearing, Jack told me he’d written to his Uncle and asked him if he could use two more exercise boys for the horses that summer. And his Uncle had agreed. I was pretty excited about this and got concerned about fixing up my old ’57 Dodge so it could make the trip.

For extra money, I was working at an appliance store as a delivery boy after school. I couldn’t quite figure out why Jack was reluctant to set a date for the trip, but I believed him when he said he had to first work out some things at home for his father. Then one day an older fellow came into the store looking for an inexpensive TV and I overheard him use an unusual, but familiar to me, last name. I introduced myself and asked him if he was Jack’s father. He was, and we had a very interesting conversation. Jack, it turned out, had never been to Europe, had never owned a sailboat, and had no Uncle living in Canada.

How would you feel if you found out that someone you like and trust had been steadily lying to you for months? These were not minor fibs or small distortions to make a true story sound a little better, these were bald-faced lies. I felt totally betrayed. When I confronted Jack, I can’t remember if I was icy and judgmental or loud and angry, but I did make it clear that our friendship was at an end. Punch me in the nose, kick my dog, insult my Mother, but don’t make me feel like a fool. Some things can never be forgiven.

Since that time, with the watchfulness of the once-bitten, I examine even the most harmless statements for accuracy. If you post some accusatory political meme and get back a Snopes fact-check link as a comment, it has probably come from me. Or if you put up some lovely picture on the Internet only to be told that it is obviously Photoshopped, I’m most likely the guy that pointed that out. I pride myself on being the bane of crackpot conspiracy theorists. I may have lost a few friends because of it, but I will never again be anybody’s fool.

6 Replies to “Lies”

  1. Ahh Tim – who was that guy at Wyo in 69-70 just couldn’t stop telling huge heroic whoppers about himself? We used to egg him on. “Aren’t you the guy that Neil Armstrong…?” and he wound up claiming to have hidden out in Apollo 11.
    Then there was all that “tuna fishing,” i.e. lying for sport. You already did one on Rusty’s bad influence. But thinking about Cinderella last week I remembered how innocent and easy to “hook” she was, and how, ironically, that made us feel bad about the whole game. RIP

  2. Tim, Mrs. Mabe…..I had totally forgotten about her. I had her for debate as well, but it must have been a different year. I debated “Resolved: Social Security benefits should be extended to include complete medical care.” I remember the 3×5 cards and the hours in the library – and trying to fish out the right cards from the little box when in the midst of the debate. That was the toughest task for me. And…..drama – the school plays. Wasn’t Mrs. Mabe our director one year? Was it the year we did “The Importance of Being Ernest” . I was one of the little kids – were you? Or were you a dog? … and the Beatles – you were definitely Ringo!! Oh, thanks for the memories!

    1. The two plays I was in that Mrs. Mabe directed were “The Crucible” and “The Skin of Our Teeth.” In the latter, I played Cain. Mrs. Mabe decided that “the mark of Cain” would be a big, red “C” on my forehead and I was to brush my hair down over my forehead for most of the play. I liked the look and kept it that way. Several months later, in Feb. of 64, The Beatles were on Ed Sullivan and the next day I was kicked out of school and told not to come back without a haircut. Also during “Skin of our Teeth,” I went up on my lines and started ad-libbing. Evidently, Mrs. Mabe got down on her knees backstage and prayed. Then we got to a part I remembered and it went on well from there. She never cast me in another play (too much stress I suppose) but she was the first and only teacher I ever had who took an interest and told me I should be a writer. It took a while, Mrs. Mabe, but here I am!

      1. Yes, it was ‘The Skin of our Teeth.’ How could I have forgotten? I’m sure your ad libs were as good as Thornton Wilder’s lines. I played Gladys, the Antrobus’ little girl, so I guess you were my brother. But, I do remember that you got kicked out for having ‘long hair’. Wasn’t Dairmuid Campbell (how do you spell his first name??) also asked to leave and go get a haircut??

  3. I recall trying to lie my way out of a few things during my life, especially my Junior High and High School years, but I don’t recall ever inventing several foreign dignitaries to back up an argument.

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